Confessions

Being at Marilyn’s, while Ìspirah was on shift, felt different, now. I was keeping my back up straighter, I generally felt lighter and, in the back of my mind, I was constantly planning a list of places to take her to. I quickly realised that, Aunt Cel dragging us across the boot over the years had left me with a pretty decent repertoire of options. Also, summer was on its way, meaning that there’d even be the perfect weather for little day trips.

Every time my thoughts slid to her father taking her back, I could feel a black hole in the pit of my stomach sucking away bits of my joy.

Jeff did interrogate me later that day. He’d stopped by my place, in the evening, and we’d had what he’d defined as ‘a much needed brossip session’ - as in brothers who needed to gossip.

“Dude! How’d it happen? One minute, you’re pissed off and storming back to yours, a few hours later, you’re out and about with the Swede-Queen!”

“Don’t call her the Swede-Queen, Jeff. She has a name, use it”

“Ouch! Touchy, touchy!” he barked “But, seriously though, did you like, go find her? Oh, no! Even better, did she stalk you?”

“No, Jeff, it just happened”

I told him how I had run into her and everything else that had followed - including her telling me about how she’d ended up in Corbetta.

“Nah, that’s insane, Mikey! Have her taken back? What is it, Swedish mafia? Jeez…”

“I-”

I hadn’t even thought about that option. I mean, yeah, mafia was a problem here in Italy, I had grown up hearing all the local stories. But, I hadn’t considered that there might be similar issues elsewhere.

“I don’t think so. I think she would’ve mentioned it”

“Is she secretly royalty? Is there royalty in Sweden?”

“Yes, there is, and no, I don’t think it’s that either. She mentioned her father having power outside of Sweden, as well”

“Huh-? Well, that right there, sounds like some crazy cross-continental mafia shit!” he insisted, cackling on.

He was getting on my nerves.

“Jeff, no! Just, stop-” I dropped my face into my palms, I needed to stay calm “-It doesn’t matter what her family is. What matters is that she’s not going to be around forever and I don’t know when that’s going to happen”

His laughter ceased, hearing that pinch of anxiety that had escaped my voice.

“Hey, hey, hey” he sat next to me on my couch and lowered his voice “You really like her, don’t you? I’ve never seen you so worked up about someone”

“No one has ever come here with a time limit on their head”

“It can’t just be that”

“Well, she’s-” I couldn’t hide it, not from Jeff “She’s the most fascinating person I’ve ever met”

I leaned into the cushions behind me and stared at my ceiling.

“She sees things here from the outside. It’s nice to have someone who seems to be as much of a spectator as I am. I’m a fly on the wall here, Jeff. And, she is, too” I took in a deep breath “But, not just any other fly, she’s a mosca bianca”

I didn't want her to leave and disappear.

The silence in my living room was becoming thicker by the second.

My brother eventually broke it with a long whistle, as he pulled out his shark tooth necklace and twirled the strings between his fingers.

“And, you’re sure you don’t have, like, a crush or something?”

I groaned “I don’t know, Jeff”

“Like, any romantic feelings at all?”

“Jeff, I don’t know-”

I took a moment to focus on breathing.

“-I don’t know what this is. All I know is that I care about her and she’s the first person I’ve been able to truly relate to since moving here, and-”

No, I couldn’t bring myself to finish what I was going to say.

“And?” he insisted, expectant.

“And, I-”

I didn’t want to lose someone else so permanently. Not again.

But, I didn’t want to concern Jeff with my unresolved feelings towards what had happened to our parents.

“-I really don’t want her to leave anytime soon”

I looked at my brother, with his pointy nose and spiky amber hair… Mom’s thin green eyes. The only feature he and I had in common were Mom’s freckles, splashed across our noses, dispersing in ripples along our cheeks.

Taking in the sight of my little Jeffrey, now all grown up, and trying to be my supportive guy, overwhelmed me with a sense of nostalgia.

“Mikey?”

I’d been staring at him for far too long, completely lost in thought. The preoccupied expression on his face made me snap out of it.

“Sorry, I was miles away” I tried to shrug off.

“It’s ok” and before I realised it, he was giving me a hug “It’ll be ok- Erm, enjoy her company while you can. And, when she leaves, well-” he loosened his embrace “I’ll still be around”

After a brief moment of indecision, he moved away my fluffy black hair and kissed my forehead. My eyes welled up and my brows furrowed, smile creeping up on my face.

“Look at you, being the adult” I sniffled “I’m really proud of you, Jeff”

“Porca troia, Mikey!” his gaze had become a tad misty, too “Getting me all sentimental and shit, this is on you!”

His voice was attempting to sound tough again, but his little grin gave him away.

I wrapped my arms around him, thankful - it felt surprisingly nice to rely on him.

He stayed over that night. We ordered pizzas and opened up the couch to share - just like when we were kids, during our first few years in Italy. Back then, Uncle Bill and Aunt Cel didn’t have that much space, so Jeff and I’d had to share a bed in Lillian’s room. Once they’d decided they were going to adopt yet another child, they’d realised it was time to move into a bigger house.

Raising four kids, while running an inherited family business, was not an easy life. But, it had been what they’d wanted, so they did it. I don’t know how, but they did.

That night was a few days ago. Now, it was currently another weekday at Marilyn’s.

Ìspirah, Lillian and Viola were scheduled in for the morning, with my cousin working the middle shift, specifically.

Scribbling on the notebook Ìspirah had signed for me, I’d occasionally drift away from the book reviews and articles, jotting down places, or activities, I could propose for her next day off.

“So?” her voice made me jump “How’s work going?”

Face warm, I hastily covered the page, having just added ‘bike-ride to Morimondo’s medieval festival’ to my list for her - a list, which she didn’t know about. Yet.

“It’s good” I rambled “Really good today, thanks”

“What author are you looking into?”

Clearing my throat, I tried to casually shut my notebook and took a moment to recollect what I was actually meant to be working on.

“Well, the period of Dante’s hypothetical birthday is coming up, so the magazine I work for really wants another piece on him. I don’t mind, there’s so much in The Divine Comedy that, every time I go back to it, I find more ways to analyse his work. I’m currently structuring an article about his life and deciding what passages of the Comedy to bring up.”

“He’s written so many other pieces, though”

“I know, but it’s what they need me to write about for the next release”

“Figures, his most egocentric work getting the most attention for centuries” she rolled her eyes “He’d love this”

“That’s one way to put it” I smiled, diverted “You almost sound like you have a grudge against him”

“Personally, Michael, I think he’s a bit of a poser. Can’t say why, but trust me, he was”

“Fine” laughter got out of me “I trust your judgement. But, I’m pretty sure I can’t include that in an article that’s supposed to praise him, sorry”

“Oh, well” she huffed, raising her shoulders “Talking about him reinforces beliefs, so I guess it’s fine. To an extent. Just a bit annoying”

“I’ll have you judge it before I send the first draft in, then. That way I’ll publish something ‘Ìspirah approved’”

“Yes! I’d be happy to-”

A crash caught our attention.

“Lillian! You cannot be for real!” Viola yelled, standing behind the till “Again? What did you even trip on!?”

A muffled “Sorry!” came from the hallway, around the wall.

“Ìspy!” Viola called out “It’s your turn to clean up after Lils!”

“I’m on it!”

She turned back to me, grin amused and bright.

“We’ll get more into it later - I finish at noon”

And, after throwing me a wink, my stomach was left to twist in on itself.

She was so darn cute.

I wanted to focus on work, but I couldn’t help myself from glancing her way as she cleaned up. Dark blue eyes, with a smile that came across as purely nonchalant, laughing off my cousin’s clumsiness and hushing Viola’s criticisms, all with that signature smirk of hers.

She was clearly, gradually, getting the hang of certain social dynamics. Seeing her fit in made me feel relieved for her. No one had any idea how much of an alien experience interacting with new people was for her. Neither did I, but I could imagine to some extent.

I wanted her to feel at home.

“Heya, Mikey~!”

“Lils-!” nearly having a heart attack, I clutched my sweater “Don’t creep up on me like that, please!”

“Careful to not get drool on your notes”

My cousin didn't care for my pleas, grin sly on her face.

“I see how you look at her. She is pretty awesome, huh?”

‘Awesome’ was an understatement, but I wasn’t about to tell Lillian that.

“What~? Ìspy caught your tongue~?”

“I think you should be helping her clean up after your mess”

“Pffft, you know how it is-”

The front door chimed, making us both turn around.

It was Sara.

Lillian immediately grasped my seat, while her best friend seemed ready to attack. Ìspirah stopped what she was doing and put a hand on Viola’s shoulder.

“Let her talk”

Sara looked around the coffee shop, making eye contact with each of us.

“Look, guys, I’m-”

I could hear Lils’ breathing picking up.

Sara briefly glanced at Ìspirah, then back to my cousin.

“I’m sorry, Lillian. You were right. I wasn’t treating Sofia the way she deserves. So, uh, I’ve cut back on alcohol, and I’ve-” she looked at Ìspirah, again “I’ve gotten some professional help to manage my anger issues”

My cousin’s breathing wasn’t slowing down. I put a hand on hers.

“Lillian, I-, actually, all of you guys, you don’t have to believe me, or forgive me. Just know that, I’m sorry, and that me and Sofia are willing to pay for any damage expenses”

Sara and Ìspirah exchanged smiles, as the latter made her way towards her.

“Nice, see? You did good”

“Thanks, Ìspirah”

“The fuck?!” Viola yelled from across the shop “You’ve been talking to her?!”

“No one gets better without support” Ìspirah replied, matter-of-factly.

“But, how could you?!” Viola wasn’t taking it well “After what she did to-”

“It’s ok, Viola!” my cousin spoke up, turning to Sara “Thanks for apologising”

“You should thank your new girl here! She’s the one who made me get my shit together!”

That caught me, and I believe everyone else in the room, off guard.

“Well, I’m off. Sorry, again - I hope we can be back to peaceful terms sometime soon… See you at The Rose!”

Then, she left, door chiming along with her.

Viola wasted no time.

“What did she mean with you making her get her shit together?!”

“I ran into her a few days after the incident. We talked about it and, over time, I offered to help her find a therapist and an alcolisti anonimi group. What’s wrong with that?”

“Didn’t you like, fight her off of Lillian? How could you help, or even just talk, to someone like that?!”

“How would she have gotten better?”

“That’s not our problem!”

“How is it not?!” Ìspirah snapped back “Don’t you want Lillian to stop having anxiety attacks over this? To stop feeling paranoid?”

Viola refocused her attention, as Lils still hadn’t said a word. Her face softened when she realised that her dearest friend was about to cry out of relief.

“It’s ok, Viola” Lils’ voice was a tremor “It’s better this way”

My cousin wiped her eyes and slowly walked over to her best friend, who, in return, hugged her as tightly as ever.

“I don’t like that you did that without talking to us about it first. But, for now-” Viola took out the paintbrush, that had kept Lillian’s bun up, and ran her fingers through my cousin’s long chestnut hair “-this is ok”

“Sorry, I’ll ask, if this kind of thing ever happens again”

A quiet “Thanks, Ìspy” peeped from Viola’s shoulder.

Within a few minutes, things went back to normal. Other customers came in and the day continued as though nothing had happened.

So… I wasn’t the only one Ìspirah was keeping an eye on.

The realisation made me feel a bit, well, off. She was just so good at making someone feel special, even if they weren’t - someone like myself.

That was probably what she’d done with Sara: bump into her, invite herself to her place with a cake and all that… I wouldn’t have been surprised.

I suppose, I should’ve been feeling jealous, or envious, but I didn’t. I just hadn’t expected her to get so personally involved with others in so little time of being here, unlike me. All these years and I’d always minded my own business.

Getting back to my work, flipping through my copy of The Divine Comedy, I tried finding something new to pick up.